If we live long enough we easily live many lives, and in ‘living out' that is often compounded. The following is a small but important part of ‘my story' that I am honored to be invited to share, along with my life-partner Andy Swanson sharing his, as featured speakers at the ‘Living Out' service of the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Eau Claire this Sunday October 8, 2023.
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On June 17, 2020 Andy Swanson and I married right here, in this church. It was a wonderful ceremony. The Reverend Virginia Wolf officiated, and we were supported by an incredible number of family, friends, colleagues, and members of this congregation. It was a great public manifestation, for us and for all in attendance, of what it means, and of how and why it is valuable, to be living out. Yet both Andy and I had been living out long before then. And we have continued since.
Growing up in Connecticut, in the 1970s, I did not conceive of the possibility I might be gay, due to pervasive disparagement and ridicule directed at gay people. Still, I refused to participate in what I recognized as hate. As as an undergraduate, at Wesleyan University, I also began to believe it was important for me, as a straight person, to show solidarity, publicly, with gay people. But it still came as a shock to me when I fell in love with my best friend, a man, at the start of my work toward a PhD, at Syracuse University.
I was then, as had long been the case before, and has continued since, heavily involved in progressive to radical forms of left activism. That involvement, as well as my intellectual work toward a PhD, led me to immerse myself in learning about, and soon enthusiastically identifying with, revolutionary gay liberation. Soon as well, I concentrated in queer theory, right as queer theory first emerged as a distinct kind of critical theory. Because I was _that_ kind of person, I wanted to be out as gay, everywhere. I knew this was the politically right thing _for me_ to do. So, a little over four weeks after first accepting that, ‘yes it makes sense for me to identify as gay’, to myself, I began to do so publicly as well, and, yes, I did so even in the face of considerable hostility.
As a result of this history, I was notorious before I arrived in Eau Claire and at UW-Eau Claire. For my first ten years in Eau Claire and at UW-Eau Claire I was exceedingly prominent living out as gay. I spoke frequently on lgbtqia issues in many forums. And I involved myself in a host of efforts to help change the climate, on campus and in the wider community, so many more people could live freely out as well. It was often exhausting. But it was worth it. I did help make a positive difference. Since that time I have continued living out as fully and continuously as ever. What changed is steadily larger numbers of others have done so too. It has been a blessing for me that many others have taken the lead, locally, in subsequent efforts.
When I first mention Andy to students in the classes I teach, I refer to Andy as my ‘life-partner’. I do so even before I identify Andy as my husband. I conceive of our marriage as the public manifestation of a commitment toward partnering–in the ongoing creation, and re-creation, of a life. This is a life equivalent neither with my life, nor with Andy’s life, nor even with my life plus Andy’s life. This is a new life, a life of its own, a life that transcends the limits of each of our individual lives. It is a life that empowers us, as its representatives, to do far more, and far better, than we possibly could, without our engagement in this partnership, to be of use.
In the midst of adversity, I have survived, I have persisted, and I have endured, because of the love Andy and I share and because I could not, I would not, I cannot, and I will not, ever give up on the life we have committed toward partnering–in continually creating, and re-creating, together. Andy and I often discuss how amazing it is that we have been able to do so much of what we have done together, and to do so because we are and have been together. This includes travel to exciting destinations. It includes attending and participating in spectacular events. It includes studying, learning, and preparing to teach new classes focused on innovative topics. It includes joining and contributing, and taking on leading roles, in organizations we otherwise would never have considered–or to which we otherwise would not have thought we could possibly contribute anything of value.
In my own life, it would have been far more devastating if not for this life-partnership, and this love, in struggling with and through the onset, the deepening, and the cumulative weight of multiple, serious, chronic illnesses, mental and physical, that have been significantly disabling. Without this life-partnership, and without this love, I could not have transformed that kind of personal experience into a principal focus of what and how I teach, the scholarship I do, and the community service I do as well. Without this life-partnership, and without this love, I could not have accepted the need for me to pull back, to cut back, to reorient what and how much I do with my life, while continuing to believe I am still worthwhile–that I still can, and still will, continue to be of use. And without this life-partnership, and without this love, neither Andy nor I would ever dream of embarking on a dramatically new adventure, upon retirement, as we will with the start of June 2024, to move to and live, full-time, in San Diego. This will be, for us, life in a new city in a new region, vastly different from everywhere we have previously lived, and where we are just beginning to find resources and make connections.
This church and this congregation have been indispensable in contributing to that very same life-partnership and that very same love. We have always been welcome, included, respected, supported, and encouraged here–including in our love for and commitment to each other. We love this church and this congregation, and we will be forever grateful for all you have given to and made possible for us.
At our wedding back in 2000 I spoke to make clear I firmly believed queer people in diverse kinds of relationships all deserved to be equally respected, valued, affirmed, celebrated, and empowered–and that I did not want anyone to mistake Andy’s and my marriage as endorsing the position that our relationship mattered more than those others simply because it was a marriage. Even now, with legal same-sex marriage, and even now, with legitimate fear that powerful forces aim to take this back, I still firmly believe the ultimate goal must be to make it genuinely possible for a vast array of diverse queer people to lead their best possible lives, and to ‘live out’, freely, in doing so, so that we all can benefit from all they have to offer.
Today living out means facing up to renewed, frightening attacks on queer people, especially transgender and gender non-binary people. But living out today also means envisioning what a truly liberated society might be like, in terms of gender and sexuality, as well as in terms beyond gender and sexuality. And it means committing ourselves to doing what it takes to get from here to there. We need imaginative visions of ‘what never yet was’, but ‘what nevertheless yet could be’. We know this ‘nevertheless yet could be’, because glimmers and sparks, and even bursts and flares, anticipating what that might be, do exist within our collective past–and do exist within our collective present.
I know I will continue to dream of these possibilities, and commit to help realize these dreams, even when such prospects appear absurd, even when they appear hopeless and impossible. And I know that I will continue to do, even as an older person, even as a person living with multiple chronic illnesses, even as someone starting all over in a new city, and even after ending the major focus of my life’s activity for 40 years–teaching and working as a university faculty member. I know I will continue to do so because of the love Andy and I share in the life-partnership we continually create, and recreate, together, while reaping a whirlwind of inspiration and uplift from loving communities like this one.
Thank you for speaking and writing about queer relationships beyond legality and including that you are a human existing and being with multiple chronic illnesses. Best wishes to you and Andy as you continue the work in retirement and in San Diego!